I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
