Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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