This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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