"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
