I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
