Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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