omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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