i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
