69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I think a kid would responsible me up
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
