Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
