I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Randomize
