I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
