just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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