apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
