I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize
