Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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