Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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