can u get pink eye on your cock?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
