i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
