it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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