Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
