So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
either way he was missing a nipple.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
