yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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