my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
