When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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