Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Come share oat with me in your robe
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
