Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
