I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
