Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
