Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
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