It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
