Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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