why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
