I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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