and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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