apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
