You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
