Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
