you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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