im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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