I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
