Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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