can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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