I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
