I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I deserve this hangover.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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