i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
