period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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