i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
