I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
