me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
