In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
