Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
