I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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